~More Texas Trivia~

I've posted already with regard to the funny things kids can say, but when it comes to Texans, you might be surprised what comes out of a mouth of ANY age. Such is the case in this flight attendant's report whereby she was fulfilling her duties in service to a Baptist Minister and a Texas Oil Baron, who happened to be seated together on their flight into Dallas. This is her story:

"I asked the two men if they'd like some refreshment", she explained.
"Maybe a light snack or some adult beverage".

"Why Yeah, Darlin' .. Ah'll have that scotch and soda there", the oilman answers.

The minister glares at them as she hands it over to him, then asks the minister,
"And you, sir"? "Would you care for a drink"?

The minister scowls as he proclaims,

"Why I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than allow liquor to touch my lips" !

The oilman looks over at the minister in astonishment as he hands the drink back to the attendant...

"Honey, If yaw don't maand ... Ahh'd laak ta change Maah ordah"...."Ahh wat'n aware a- tha choices."

~ Only In 'Taxes' ~

Are We Really Evolving ?

If we ever needed proof of the fallacies of the "Theory of Evolution", we need look no further than the findings of a good buddy of mine out in Sunny Arizona. This just in from the "AZ-OneCat" :

I was in McDonalds a couple days ago and noticed that McNuggets came in orders of 6-pc, 9-pc, and 12-pc paks. So I requested a half-dozen nuggets and a Coke.
"Sorry, man, they only come in 6, 9, & 12-pieces", the young clerk replied.
"Oh, REALLY ?" - "You mean I can't order a half-dozen ?" I asked.
"Sorry", he repeated ... "Only what's on the menu".
"Hmmm...So what if I order a FULL DOZEN McNuggets", I suggest.
"Can't do it", he reiterated. "Just 6, 9, or 12."
"Aww, all right then ... Just make it 6", I relented.

And then it was off to Wal Mart, where I'm going thru the check-out line. And because there are people behind me, I offer one of those little divider bars to separate my stuff from their's. But as the clerk scans all my purchases, she gets to the bar, scans it, picks it up for inspection, then asks:
"Do you remember how much THIS was ?"
"Nothing ... It's a courtesy bar for between orders", I reply.
"Oh .. Sorry", she answers, sticking the bar in my bag, as she hands me my receipt.

Now get THIS !
I go outside, and on the way to the van, I see a gal standing beside her Mercedes, crying her eyes out as she stares helplessly at her car. Sensing a mechanical dilemma, I ask if there's anything I might do to help.
"I don't know", she answers. "My car is locked & I can't get in" "I think the battery might be dead on the lock."
"Well, does the alarm system work?", I ask.
She produces a set of keys and starts mashing on the buttons of her remote ...
then the tears start flowing all over again as she proclaims:
"Oh NOooo ! - The alarm battery is dead ALSOooo !"
So I take her keys, open the door for her, then suggest we go back in the store & try to find a battery for her remote.

Finally got that situation under control, so I started home. And along the way, I stop in at the local RV Supply House for a new roof vent. But out in the repair shop, I notice a large motor home with it's front end mangled beyond belief.
"Wow ! - What happened to THAT unit !" I ask curiously.
"Aww, the owner says he was driving down the highway when he got a craving for peanut butter & jelly ...
So he put on the cruise & went back to make himself a sandwich".
('Shame he wasn't out in West Texas or Central Kansas ... he might-a gotten away with it.)

But while the guy was pulling my roof vent, I was standing at the counter, when I overheard one of the girls in the office exclaim:
"I'm out of typing paper & I still have about two more pages to go !"
"That's okay .. just use a couple of sheets of copier paper", another girl suggested.
So I watched as the typist got up, went over to the copier, and confidently "printed out" her two sheets of paper to continue her typing.

And then that reminded me of a news story I'd heard about a recent police interrogation of a burglary suspect. This guy was so full of alibies every time they picked him up for one thing or another that the police KNEW they were in for a long night unless they could come up with a little more creative method of extruding information from him without stomping all over his civil rights.
So one of them.. a sergeant, went into the break room and came back with a colander strainer and an extension cord.
Another detective scrawled out a little sign, and put it in the copy machine.
Then they stripped the wires off one end of the cord & attached them to the collander, stuffing the other end beneath the copier.
Placing the colander over the suspect's head, the sergeant then informed him that he might as well not EVEN try to waste everybody's time with the usual lies, since they now had a foolproof lie detector.
And each time the crook answered a question, the detective would press the PRINT button on the copier, producing a message that read:

"HE'S LIEING"

After just a few minutes, the suspect confessed to everything, realizing ... as he admitted himself:
"That's the smartest machine I ever saw !"

And did you hear about the 911 call from the distraught mother of a 2-year old ?
Seems she caught him eating ants from the kitchen floor, so she called for emerency help.
"If he's allergic to the ants, just give him a little liquid Benedryl", the advisor suggested.
"Are there any adverse symptoms ?" she asked. "Any skin rash or shortness of breath ?"
"Yes, but I don't know if it's because of the ants or the ant KILLER I gave him", the mom answered.
"WE HAVE AN EMERENCY VEHICLE EN ROUTE !" The advisor responded.

And so I "axe" you once more ... With Feeling ...
Are we REALLLY evolving in the right direction ???

Or as the "Onecat" would say ...

"Life is sooo interesting .. IF you don't take it seriously" ....

From The Mouths of Babes ...

Surely all of us have some familiarity with the funny comments kids can make "off the cuff", as they say.
And some of us can probably remember what grade school was like .. maybe we can call up memories of favorite, or not so favorite teachers, or of some funny comments we've witnessed first hand in school at some time. So maybe you can relate to these funny remarks that have been noted by grade schoolers:
It's photo day at the community elementary school.
All the kids were prepared .. dress was clean, but casual.
Everybody was pleased with the way the group photo turned out.
Nothing to do now but convince the kids to actually BUY the photos.
Mrs. Lambert addresses her first grade class:

"How nice it will be some day when you can look at this photograph and think, 'There's Johnny .. and now he's DR. Morris'. Or there's Susie .. Now she's JUDGE Smith."
Just then a small, squeaky voice called out from the back of the room:
..."Yeah, or 'There's old Mrs. Lambert .. she's dead!"


And over at the Catholic school, it's lunch time.Kids are lining up to go thru and pick out their choices, starting with a big pile of apples on a platter, with a little note placed below them from Sister Mary which reads:

"Take One and only ONE .. God is watching".

The children continue along to the other end of the line, where they find another platter, this one piled high with chocolate chip cookies. And beneath the pile is a hastily scrawled note from a fellow student:

"Take all you want. God's watching the apples !"

But let's move on to Kindergarten, where a little girl is busily tending to her artwork project.
The teacher approaches for inspection, as she continues scrawling, undistracted.
"My, that's quite a portrait there, Amy ... So who IS this you're drawing ?"
"It's GOD", she answers profoundly.
"Oh, I'm afraid it can't be God, dear ... You see, nobody really knows what God looks like".
Still undistracted, little Amy answers:
"They will pretty soon - I'm almost finished".

Now it's on to Sunday school, where a class of pre-teens is learning about the Ten Commandments.
The class recites the Commandments, then the instructor discusses them ...She asks: "So now we know about honoring our mothers & fathers" - "Does anybody know of a Commandment regarding our brothers or sisters?" After a brief lull, one voice ... that of an older sibling of five kids answers:

"Yeah, It's the one that says "Thou shalt not kill !"


And in case you've ever wondered why religious stories should never be discussed in public schools ....

For her class assignment, one little girl is telling the Biblical story of Jonah and the Whale, when her agitated teacher interrupts her to inform the class that the story should actually be considered fictional, since a whale, despite it's immense size, actually has quite a restrcted throat passage, and could not possibly swallow a human being.

After further argument, the girl finally suggests:
"Okay, when I get to Heaven, I'm just going to ASK Jonah if the story is true !"
The teacher holds her ground, arms crossed, as she questions:
"And what if it turns out that Jonah went to Hell instead ?"

"Then YOU can ask him !", the student answers.



But conversations with kids can get just as unruly at home, can't they ?

Take for example, the little girl who, as she watches her mom fixing supper, asks:
"Mom, why do you have all those white hairs starting to show up on your head?"
"Well..Every time you do something that makes me angry.."
"Every time you make me sad, or try to hurt my feelings..."
"Every time you criticize me for my cooking, for example, It makes another white hair grow out."

The daughter answers: "Oh .. Well then .. Why has ALL of GRAMMA'S hair turned white ?"

~Why Men Are Just Happier~

I've always heard the expression that we men "have it made". And frankly, I have no argument with that. As for me I'd RATHER be a man, than say .. a WOMAN or something.
And who would blame me when you add up all the perks.
Really ! I mean besides the fact that you can always claim the garage to be "all mine", and you probably know some things about tanks, just think about this short, little list of benefits:

Like .. Even if you DO get married, you still get to keep your last name.
And wedding plans take care of themselves.
A wedding dress will cost $5000 / tux rental is a hundred bucks.
Any wrinkles in your suit ? Who cares .. they just add character.
Same with any wrinkles on your face.
Guys don't stare at your chest when they're talking to you.
And you can wear a white tee shirt to the water park without being tossed out.
Car mechanics tell you the truth,
And you already know which way to turn a nut.
Belching is expected; don't have to hide it.
And you get extra credit for the slightest expression of thouhtfulness.
Your face can stay it's original color your entire life.
You can do your nails with a pocket knife.
Don't ever have to worry about big hips; your belly hides 'em anyway.
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
Underwear is five bucks for a 3-Pak.
And two prs. of boots is MORE than enough.
If they MAKE you buy "shoes" they'll still never cut, blister, or mangle.
You can wear the same hair style for years - Maybe even decades.
You'll almost never have strap troubles in public.
If your friend forgets to invite you somewhere, you can still be friends.
You can open your own jars.
You can be president.
Same work; more pay.
One mood ... all the time.
You can have a phone conversation in 30 seconds flat if you want.
A one week vacation requires one duffle bag.
You'll likely never have to say ..

"Ooh no, that station's too icky".

But the greatest bonus of all for being a man is ....

The whole world is your urinal.
... Now go out and BE A MAN !

The Mythical Chupacabra

* Caution: Photos below might be considered a bit gory to some readers.*

Yesterday I mentioned that Texas was ... well, different from other states in the nation.
The terrain, the climate, the people, to name a few examples.
But ponder for a moment, how many states you've ever heard of which can boast a mythical hairless, blood-sucking wild dog, that - providing you might ever actually be lucky (or UN-lucky) enough to actually witness the sight of one of 'em, you'd have to wonder if you were seeing a dog ... or a wild boar.
And it might actually be that BOTH perceptions would be correct.
Below are a couple of photos from a ranch in Cuero, TX, where several Chupa have appeared, and where the ranch owner in the photo (No, that's NOT former TX Gov. Ann Richards) claims that she had discovered many of her chickens dead ...drained of their blood, but otherwise uneaten, prior to her discovery of the deceased Chupacabra.
Must be some mighty potent chicken blood there in Cuero, huh.

Oh ... For the record, the Chupacabra has been known to exist in Mexico for many years.

Maybe I should have said

Everything that sticks, stings, bites, or sucks your blood.

(above) - Carcass of the Beast
---------------------------------------------
(below) - The Head Removed

"You Might Live In Texas..."

Hootersville is said to be a funny place. But then all of Texas (or "Taxes" as we locals prefer to call it..) is a bit odd to most of the citizenry of these United States. For sure, everything that stings, sticks, or bites will eventually be encountered here. You can become bogged down in mud, or dry sand, or even caught on a rock pile, all in one area, and witness a severe drought become a major flood zone in the span of a couple of hours. Some folks would argue that the reverse is just as probable. But there are some interesting quirks that the ever-popular Jeff Foxworthy pointed out recently that I'd like to share:

Jeff asks - "Do you live in Texas ?"

If you wear shorts and a parka at the same time to a football game,
You might live in Texas.

If you consider a great weekend vacation to be anywhere south of Dallas,
You might live in Texas.

If all your friends have collided with a deer more than once in their life,
You might live in Texas.

If you've ever talked on the phone for over an hour, to someone who just dialed the wrong number,
You might live in Texas.

If you just got assistance from a guy in the building supply store ...
And the guy doesn't even work there ...
You might live in Texas.

If you measure distance in terms of hours or days instead of miles,
You might live in Texas.

If you've put up security lights around your house and property ...
But you STILL leave the garage door wide open & never lock the doors,
You can bet you live in Texas.

If you always keep a set of jumper cables in the truck ... I said "truck";
And your wife KNOWS how to use them,
You MIGHT live in Texas.

If the posted speed limit is 70, but you're driving 80, and everybody's PASSING you,
You undoubtedly live in Texas.

And if you can relate to any or all of the afore-mentioned,
You're there....Bigger'n Dallas.