Gramma Knows Best

These days it seems like everybody's worried about all the problems we're facing with storms, hot political issues like immigration, and even the sudden rash of animal attacks that have been reported ... like those big gators in Louisiana and Mississippi, that are eating people and pets alike.
So on a recent visit to Wheelerville, a few miles from here, I brought up the discussion with Gramma Wagner, where I found her, as usual, out tending her beloved dogs in her kennel. She's from that seasoned generation that's been thru much worse than this already ... from worrying about Indian attacks as a child, to surviving the Great Depression, living thru WWII, Korea, Viet Nam, and now these latest Middle East wars "that them Bush boys keep startin", as she puts it.
But to my surprise, she had a very relaxed and well-thought-out set of suggestions for my concerns, that I'd like to point out on the verrrrrry remote chance that some politico out there might be tuning in who might have the power to make things happen. As Gramma sat back in her easy chair, she unfolded her plan thus :
"First of all, they'll have to run down to Mexeeco & dig 'em a big moat between the U.S. and Mexeecan borders. Dig it all the way from the west coast to the Gulf of Mexeeco, so Global Warming can melt them big icebergs up there and raise up the water level to fill the moat."

"Then, take all the dirt ya got from there, & haul it over to New Orleens, so they can raise up them levees, and the whole town at the same time. Then the idiots can build on something that ain't gonna flood out every time it sprinkles."

"And now, since there ain't gonna be no more swamps for the aleegaters to hang out in, gather all of THEM up & bring 'em back to the moat to keep the illegals from makin' it across if they still try swimmin' it".

"Now, What Else Ya Got ?" .... ("Bruno, did you offer everybody a cookie ?")

Predicting Weather - It's A Science

Out here in Hootersville, we're naturally quite dependent on accurate weather predictions, what, with farming & ranchng .... and all the illegal mandated "Troll Road" construction that our governor is underhandedly forcing upon us after his 33% election win last year. Okay, that's another story, but the important issue is that we need to know ...
And as winter draws ever so slowly nearer, it reminds me of the story about a newly appointed tribal chief up in Idaho a few years back, who was likewise concerned with
informing his people of the possibility of inclement conditions. It goes like this :

The members came to the Shoshone Tribal Headquarters seeking advice, asking ..
"Chief, we come to you for your great knowledge of the Spirit Winds. Will we have a hard winter season ahead?"

The chief hadn't given it much consideration, but rather than appear ignorant of the subject, he decided to err on the side of caution, and answered, ..."Yes ! It truly IS going to be a VERY HARD winter, and you should all go out and gather wood as soon as possible!"

Well days went by with little appearance of weather changes, and so the chief began to wonder about his off the cuff prediction. So much so that he went into town to a phone booth whereupon he called the National Weather Service for a more "modernistic" opinion.
The meteorologist who fielded his call responded, "Well, at first we didn't expect much, but now it appears that we might have a very hard winter indeed". The chief thanked him and returned to the reservation.

He called all his people together and informed them once again:
"I sense a much harder winter now than I did before ... you should all go out and gather even MORE wood for the coming cold".
Several days later, the weather was actually warmer than before, so he drove in to make the call once more, explaining, "You told me that winter weather was coming, but it's still very warm. Are you STILL CERTAIN that a hard winter is coming ?"
"Yes, sir... We're more convinced than ever before. This could be the coldest winter we've had for many years in fact !" the agent informed him.

So once again the chief hurried back to the reservation to report the warning.
The people were already at council headquarters, seeking answers to his faulty predictions by the time he had returned. But he confidently & steadfastly repeated the same warning as before, and as the chief meteorologist had warned, "In fact this might be the worst winter in many years !"

The tribesmen were wary, but obediently returned to the forest to scout for even MORE firewood.
And by late November, after several cool fronts had passed, with still no sign of any threatening cold spell, the angry chief decided to go directly to the weather service headquarters itself, and asked what methods they were relying on for their faulty predictions.

The meteorologist took the chief past all the millions of dollars worth of sophisticated LandSat, Doppler, and other high-tech radar imaging equipment, then led him to a darkened room, where he revealed an entire wall of satellite images, taken, as he explained "around the perimeter of the Shoshone Indian reservation". He then further explained ... "As you can see, the Shoshone are gathering firewood this year like we've never seen before ... and that has always been the greatest measure we've ever had for predicting harsh winters ahead."

~More Texas Trivia~

I've posted already with regard to the funny things kids can say, but when it comes to Texans, you might be surprised what comes out of a mouth of ANY age. Such is the case in this flight attendant's report whereby she was fulfilling her duties in service to a Baptist Minister and a Texas Oil Baron, who happened to be seated together on their flight into Dallas. This is her story:

"I asked the two men if they'd like some refreshment", she explained.
"Maybe a light snack or some adult beverage".

"Why Yeah, Darlin' .. Ah'll have that scotch and soda there", the oilman answers.

The minister glares at them as she hands it over to him, then asks the minister,
"And you, sir"? "Would you care for a drink"?

The minister scowls as he proclaims,

"Why I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than allow liquor to touch my lips" !

The oilman looks over at the minister in astonishment as he hands the drink back to the attendant...

"Honey, If yaw don't maand ... Ahh'd laak ta change Maah ordah"...."Ahh wat'n aware a- tha choices."

~ Only In 'Taxes' ~

Are We Really Evolving ?

If we ever needed proof of the fallacies of the "Theory of Evolution", we need look no further than the findings of a good buddy of mine out in Sunny Arizona. This just in from the "AZ-OneCat" :

I was in McDonalds a couple days ago and noticed that McNuggets came in orders of 6-pc, 9-pc, and 12-pc paks. So I requested a half-dozen nuggets and a Coke.
"Sorry, man, they only come in 6, 9, & 12-pieces", the young clerk replied.
"Oh, REALLY ?" - "You mean I can't order a half-dozen ?" I asked.
"Sorry", he repeated ... "Only what's on the menu".
"Hmmm...So what if I order a FULL DOZEN McNuggets", I suggest.
"Can't do it", he reiterated. "Just 6, 9, or 12."
"Aww, all right then ... Just make it 6", I relented.

And then it was off to Wal Mart, where I'm going thru the check-out line. And because there are people behind me, I offer one of those little divider bars to separate my stuff from their's. But as the clerk scans all my purchases, she gets to the bar, scans it, picks it up for inspection, then asks:
"Do you remember how much THIS was ?"
"Nothing ... It's a courtesy bar for between orders", I reply.
"Oh .. Sorry", she answers, sticking the bar in my bag, as she hands me my receipt.

Now get THIS !
I go outside, and on the way to the van, I see a gal standing beside her Mercedes, crying her eyes out as she stares helplessly at her car. Sensing a mechanical dilemma, I ask if there's anything I might do to help.
"I don't know", she answers. "My car is locked & I can't get in" "I think the battery might be dead on the lock."
"Well, does the alarm system work?", I ask.
She produces a set of keys and starts mashing on the buttons of her remote ...
then the tears start flowing all over again as she proclaims:
"Oh NOooo ! - The alarm battery is dead ALSOooo !"
So I take her keys, open the door for her, then suggest we go back in the store & try to find a battery for her remote.

Finally got that situation under control, so I started home. And along the way, I stop in at the local RV Supply House for a new roof vent. But out in the repair shop, I notice a large motor home with it's front end mangled beyond belief.
"Wow ! - What happened to THAT unit !" I ask curiously.
"Aww, the owner says he was driving down the highway when he got a craving for peanut butter & jelly ...
So he put on the cruise & went back to make himself a sandwich".
('Shame he wasn't out in West Texas or Central Kansas ... he might-a gotten away with it.)

But while the guy was pulling my roof vent, I was standing at the counter, when I overheard one of the girls in the office exclaim:
"I'm out of typing paper & I still have about two more pages to go !"
"That's okay .. just use a couple of sheets of copier paper", another girl suggested.
So I watched as the typist got up, went over to the copier, and confidently "printed out" her two sheets of paper to continue her typing.

And then that reminded me of a news story I'd heard about a recent police interrogation of a burglary suspect. This guy was so full of alibies every time they picked him up for one thing or another that the police KNEW they were in for a long night unless they could come up with a little more creative method of extruding information from him without stomping all over his civil rights.
So one of them.. a sergeant, went into the break room and came back with a colander strainer and an extension cord.
Another detective scrawled out a little sign, and put it in the copy machine.
Then they stripped the wires off one end of the cord & attached them to the collander, stuffing the other end beneath the copier.
Placing the colander over the suspect's head, the sergeant then informed him that he might as well not EVEN try to waste everybody's time with the usual lies, since they now had a foolproof lie detector.
And each time the crook answered a question, the detective would press the PRINT button on the copier, producing a message that read:

"HE'S LIEING"

After just a few minutes, the suspect confessed to everything, realizing ... as he admitted himself:
"That's the smartest machine I ever saw !"

And did you hear about the 911 call from the distraught mother of a 2-year old ?
Seems she caught him eating ants from the kitchen floor, so she called for emerency help.
"If he's allergic to the ants, just give him a little liquid Benedryl", the advisor suggested.
"Are there any adverse symptoms ?" she asked. "Any skin rash or shortness of breath ?"
"Yes, but I don't know if it's because of the ants or the ant KILLER I gave him", the mom answered.
"WE HAVE AN EMERENCY VEHICLE EN ROUTE !" The advisor responded.

And so I "axe" you once more ... With Feeling ...
Are we REALLLY evolving in the right direction ???

Or as the "Onecat" would say ...

"Life is sooo interesting .. IF you don't take it seriously" ....

From The Mouths of Babes ...

Surely all of us have some familiarity with the funny comments kids can make "off the cuff", as they say.
And some of us can probably remember what grade school was like .. maybe we can call up memories of favorite, or not so favorite teachers, or of some funny comments we've witnessed first hand in school at some time. So maybe you can relate to these funny remarks that have been noted by grade schoolers:
It's photo day at the community elementary school.
All the kids were prepared .. dress was clean, but casual.
Everybody was pleased with the way the group photo turned out.
Nothing to do now but convince the kids to actually BUY the photos.
Mrs. Lambert addresses her first grade class:

"How nice it will be some day when you can look at this photograph and think, 'There's Johnny .. and now he's DR. Morris'. Or there's Susie .. Now she's JUDGE Smith."
Just then a small, squeaky voice called out from the back of the room:
..."Yeah, or 'There's old Mrs. Lambert .. she's dead!"


And over at the Catholic school, it's lunch time.Kids are lining up to go thru and pick out their choices, starting with a big pile of apples on a platter, with a little note placed below them from Sister Mary which reads:

"Take One and only ONE .. God is watching".

The children continue along to the other end of the line, where they find another platter, this one piled high with chocolate chip cookies. And beneath the pile is a hastily scrawled note from a fellow student:

"Take all you want. God's watching the apples !"

But let's move on to Kindergarten, where a little girl is busily tending to her artwork project.
The teacher approaches for inspection, as she continues scrawling, undistracted.
"My, that's quite a portrait there, Amy ... So who IS this you're drawing ?"
"It's GOD", she answers profoundly.
"Oh, I'm afraid it can't be God, dear ... You see, nobody really knows what God looks like".
Still undistracted, little Amy answers:
"They will pretty soon - I'm almost finished".

Now it's on to Sunday school, where a class of pre-teens is learning about the Ten Commandments.
The class recites the Commandments, then the instructor discusses them ...She asks: "So now we know about honoring our mothers & fathers" - "Does anybody know of a Commandment regarding our brothers or sisters?" After a brief lull, one voice ... that of an older sibling of five kids answers:

"Yeah, It's the one that says "Thou shalt not kill !"


And in case you've ever wondered why religious stories should never be discussed in public schools ....

For her class assignment, one little girl is telling the Biblical story of Jonah and the Whale, when her agitated teacher interrupts her to inform the class that the story should actually be considered fictional, since a whale, despite it's immense size, actually has quite a restrcted throat passage, and could not possibly swallow a human being.

After further argument, the girl finally suggests:
"Okay, when I get to Heaven, I'm just going to ASK Jonah if the story is true !"
The teacher holds her ground, arms crossed, as she questions:
"And what if it turns out that Jonah went to Hell instead ?"

"Then YOU can ask him !", the student answers.



But conversations with kids can get just as unruly at home, can't they ?

Take for example, the little girl who, as she watches her mom fixing supper, asks:
"Mom, why do you have all those white hairs starting to show up on your head?"
"Well..Every time you do something that makes me angry.."
"Every time you make me sad, or try to hurt my feelings..."
"Every time you criticize me for my cooking, for example, It makes another white hair grow out."

The daughter answers: "Oh .. Well then .. Why has ALL of GRAMMA'S hair turned white ?"

~Why Men Are Just Happier~

I've always heard the expression that we men "have it made". And frankly, I have no argument with that. As for me I'd RATHER be a man, than say .. a WOMAN or something.
And who would blame me when you add up all the perks.
Really ! I mean besides the fact that you can always claim the garage to be "all mine", and you probably know some things about tanks, just think about this short, little list of benefits:

Like .. Even if you DO get married, you still get to keep your last name.
And wedding plans take care of themselves.
A wedding dress will cost $5000 / tux rental is a hundred bucks.
Any wrinkles in your suit ? Who cares .. they just add character.
Same with any wrinkles on your face.
Guys don't stare at your chest when they're talking to you.
And you can wear a white tee shirt to the water park without being tossed out.
Car mechanics tell you the truth,
And you already know which way to turn a nut.
Belching is expected; don't have to hide it.
And you get extra credit for the slightest expression of thouhtfulness.
Your face can stay it's original color your entire life.
You can do your nails with a pocket knife.
Don't ever have to worry about big hips; your belly hides 'em anyway.
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
Underwear is five bucks for a 3-Pak.
And two prs. of boots is MORE than enough.
If they MAKE you buy "shoes" they'll still never cut, blister, or mangle.
You can wear the same hair style for years - Maybe even decades.
You'll almost never have strap troubles in public.
If your friend forgets to invite you somewhere, you can still be friends.
You can open your own jars.
You can be president.
Same work; more pay.
One mood ... all the time.
You can have a phone conversation in 30 seconds flat if you want.
A one week vacation requires one duffle bag.
You'll likely never have to say ..

"Ooh no, that station's too icky".

But the greatest bonus of all for being a man is ....

The whole world is your urinal.
... Now go out and BE A MAN !

The Mythical Chupacabra

* Caution: Photos below might be considered a bit gory to some readers.*

Yesterday I mentioned that Texas was ... well, different from other states in the nation.
The terrain, the climate, the people, to name a few examples.
But ponder for a moment, how many states you've ever heard of which can boast a mythical hairless, blood-sucking wild dog, that - providing you might ever actually be lucky (or UN-lucky) enough to actually witness the sight of one of 'em, you'd have to wonder if you were seeing a dog ... or a wild boar.
And it might actually be that BOTH perceptions would be correct.
Below are a couple of photos from a ranch in Cuero, TX, where several Chupa have appeared, and where the ranch owner in the photo (No, that's NOT former TX Gov. Ann Richards) claims that she had discovered many of her chickens dead ...drained of their blood, but otherwise uneaten, prior to her discovery of the deceased Chupacabra.
Must be some mighty potent chicken blood there in Cuero, huh.

Oh ... For the record, the Chupacabra has been known to exist in Mexico for many years.

Maybe I should have said

Everything that sticks, stings, bites, or sucks your blood.

(above) - Carcass of the Beast
---------------------------------------------
(below) - The Head Removed

"You Might Live In Texas..."

Hootersville is said to be a funny place. But then all of Texas (or "Taxes" as we locals prefer to call it..) is a bit odd to most of the citizenry of these United States. For sure, everything that stings, sticks, or bites will eventually be encountered here. You can become bogged down in mud, or dry sand, or even caught on a rock pile, all in one area, and witness a severe drought become a major flood zone in the span of a couple of hours. Some folks would argue that the reverse is just as probable. But there are some interesting quirks that the ever-popular Jeff Foxworthy pointed out recently that I'd like to share:

Jeff asks - "Do you live in Texas ?"

If you wear shorts and a parka at the same time to a football game,
You might live in Texas.

If you consider a great weekend vacation to be anywhere south of Dallas,
You might live in Texas.

If all your friends have collided with a deer more than once in their life,
You might live in Texas.

If you've ever talked on the phone for over an hour, to someone who just dialed the wrong number,
You might live in Texas.

If you just got assistance from a guy in the building supply store ...
And the guy doesn't even work there ...
You might live in Texas.

If you measure distance in terms of hours or days instead of miles,
You might live in Texas.

If you've put up security lights around your house and property ...
But you STILL leave the garage door wide open & never lock the doors,
You can bet you live in Texas.

If you always keep a set of jumper cables in the truck ... I said "truck";
And your wife KNOWS how to use them,
You MIGHT live in Texas.

If the posted speed limit is 70, but you're driving 80, and everybody's PASSING you,
You undoubtedly live in Texas.

And if you can relate to any or all of the afore-mentioned,
You're there....Bigger'n Dallas.

~In The Beginning~

In the beginning, as we all know, God created Heaven & Earth.
And He brought forth spinach, and green beans, & carrots, & cauliflour, and so many more fresh fruits and vegetables of all kinds and colors for the nourishment of His children, so that they might live long & healthy lives.

And God said: "It is Good".

Then Satan brought forth Krispy Kreme donuts and Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, and asked: "Would you like some chocolate with that ?" And man answered, "Yes, CHOCOLATE". And woman added, "And some SPRINKLES, too !" And both man and woman gained 10 pounds.

And Satan said: "It is better".

So God created healthy yogurt, that woman might satisfy her sweet cravings, yet keep her shapely figure that man found so fair. And Satan offered bleached white flour and corn syrup, and jelly rolls and candy bars of every size and flavor, and sodas & alcoholic beverages to quench their thirst. And woman grew in girth from size 6 to size 14. And Satan smiled confidently.

So God said: "Try my fresh green salads !"
And Satan added Thousand Island dressing, & buttery croutons, with buttered garlic toast on the side.
And both man and woman unfastened their belts and bulged all the more.

So God said: "I send you more fresh vegetables, and healthy virgin olive oils in which to cook them to your liking." But Satan, not to be outdone, brought forth blend shortenings with trans fats and high cholesterol in which to deep fry man's beloved fried fish and string potatoes, and chicken fried steaks so large they needed a separate platter to serve them on. And white cream gravy to cover them with.

So God offered a light, white, fluffy cake He called "Angel Food".
Satan added chocolate and created "Devil's Food".

God sighed once again, and seeing the weight gained by His human creations, brought forth running shoes and gym equipment with which to work off the pounds from all their excesses.
But Satan gave them stereos and cable TV, and then a remote control so as to eliminate the need to toil for the channel selections.

God once again brought forth the potato ... low in fat & brimming with nutrition.
But Satan encouraged them to remove the healthful skins & slice them into thin wafers, to be deep fried as chips and heavily salted.

God offered lean beef and chicken so as to consume less harmful calories & gain more muscle-building protein.
But Satan created McDonalds 99-cent double cheeseburger meals and KFC chicken, preserved with MSG, then suggested: "You want fries with that ?"
And man answered, "YES !" And woman added, "...And Super-Size them !"
Satan smiled ..... "No problem !" .....

So both man and woman spent hours and hours at a time eating fatty burgers & devils food cake to satisfy their laziness and hunger until one day man discovered Cardiac Arrest.

So God created the quadruple bypass procedure to once again save his creations.
Satan followed up with insurance companies and the HMO.

And eventually he added Medicare, Social Security, and the "Plan D" Medicare Prescription Drug Insurance Plan.  And ultimately even conjured up an evil new Marxist-inspired dictatorial ruler to socialize our entire medical care industry and make us even further dependent on our government for our health and well being.  Even MANDATED our 100% participation in the hopelessly cost prohibitive taxation scam at the risk of ever-increasing fines if we chose to decline it.  This disgusting desecration of the greatest healthcare system on earth continues to destroy the fabric of our economy and our hope for our future even today.



We now call out to God yet again to save us from ourselves ONE MORE TIME !

Must Be August

Ever notice how the numbers of "necessary projects" seems to max out about this ugly time of year ?
Seriously - Think about it. All the hardest, most time consuming, and most tedious jobs always seem to come into fruition at the hottest, sweatiest, and in my particular case ... the most disgusting month of the entire lineup of the 12-month period we call the "year".

And I'm sick of it ! When a buddy called me to help him dig a septic tank hole by hand a few years back, it was in mid-August. When my cousin asked me to drop everything to remodel her bathroon in an un-air-conditioned rent house, it was August 15th of 2005. And today a neighbor is begging for assistance with digging a trench across our caliche and limestone gravel road to plant a culvert that I donated for the project some 3 years ago. We could have done this ANY month within that timeframe, but last week .... about the 15th, I'm sure .... he decided it's time to do it - RIGHT NOW !

So here we are in this oppressive Texas August heat, with humidity of upwards of 80%, sweatin' our lungs out, when in just another 3 to 4 weeks we'd be looking at our first wave of cooling frontal passages & gentle fall breezes. Nope .... That would make life too easy I guess.

- Have a nice day ................